The Work Within

Dear God - 
I get it.  
You're doing some work in my heart and soul lately.
I didn't know I was under construction in the areas where you started digging this past week.
I get it.
Through the busy weeks, warm days, full moments, 
You show up... and show me that I still have a lot of "growing up" to do.
There are no words to fully express the incredible feeling of freedom, dependence, and joy I want to have.  
I want to feel free.
I want to depend on you.
I want to feel joy.  
To HAVE joy.
I cannot lie... I feel tired.  Anger.  Dissatisfaction. 
I want to rest.
I want to sit.
I want to breathe.  
Create space.
I want to sip coffee with a good friend.
I want to touch sunshine.
I want to feel drops of rain...
The wind on my tired skin.
To hear a word of encouragement.
To sense your presence.
To see color.
Am I the only one who desires and needs a "day off"?  
Am I the odd woman who cannot get her hormones under control?
No blaming!  No excuses!  No complaining!
But how can I find healing without revisiting past pain and hurt?
This past week I realized that I'm living with the aftermath of problems I once hid behind pretty wallpaper.
I moved on without dealing with my faults from the past.
Lord... I'm glad that you want... you desire... to heal me.
Thank you for the provision of forgiveness you offer me TODAY.
Thank you that in YOU, I don't need to live a solemn life.
Thank you that you promised to turn my mourning into dancing.
I may miss friends and certain relationships... but you're the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Do your work, Lord.
I get it.  
I need it.